Really, Really, Look,Think,than Look Again

This is the time of year that for the last three years, everything is getting better, I'm involved, exercise, my child is still alive, etc. I haven't posted in so long mostly because this is also the time of year when the shit hits the fan and I'm back in the hospital and everything I have been working toward gets thrown back in the back of my mine. Maybe I feel that if I tell all the great things going on...I'll be doomed. Not that I believe it has to happen but imagine how you would feel is everything Christmas for three years were ruined no matter how hard you tried to prepare and plan. Medically, I have a few updates. I still have these horrible patches and bumps near my port that never worked and got infected due to malpractice, not following orders, and a secondary infection that is going down my arm and I'm finding new lumps each day. It's so ugly and people stare at it like I'm a lepored. I really need a malpractice doctor who will help me figure all this out. I don't want to get rich off this. I want justice, I want to feel that the last year and three months of this pain and horrible medication was work something. This not to mention the emotional trama I endure during the procedure when the doctor started cutting into me with no pain medication and month and months of wound care with home health. Anyone out there have any connections? Advice? Experience? Otherwise, I had a CT done and the blood clot in my heart is still there, now I have to give myself two shots a day so it won't get bigger. I really need a PET scan, where they look at your whole body, however, they are expensive, but hey what's 7,000 more bucks after they spent a million at least on me to save my life... how about the rest of my life? All the treatment can cause a huge increase in every kind of cancer in my body. A neighbor of mine, just found out her cancer is back but not just the kind she had, but it's all over her body. How was that not caught. Insurance crap, I'm sure, or doctor's not following up, or her hope that it wouldn't happen again. 

Well for now I'll just continue to pray and hope and plan. Right now I'm planning a tea party for my lady friends, spending Christmas in Texas, seeing Michael Buble in concert, planning my emotional vacation in the forest and in March going to see Stomp.

I love photography and plan on adding more prints on my etpsy site with my paintings and crafts..well as soon as I get that up and running. This beautiful spider was outside my friend Tasha's house.

My friend Tasha and I going to the airport for my flight to Las Vegas. She took me to get my new teeth, the connection, and drove a lot to get me from Atlanta to her house then to the airport. Except for the fussing over me of "did I need anything", I can't complain, she painted my toe nails. She is a great friend... just lives too far away.

First time in an airplane for 5 years. NO I didn't ask my doctor for permission but I did wear a mask.. 

Flying over the Grand Canyon, I spent maybe 3 hours there once on a crazy 7 day road trip when I was 20.

In Vegas, God if I don't get off this predizone and get then again, I'm going to try my hand, or should I say belly, at plus size modeling.

Hello.... blond hair.

We saw an awesome show in Vegas. I still can't believe how they could do all those effects. Besides that Vegas is over rated if your not dressed like a flusy, want to be out all night, and lose losts of money. I think next year, bringing Evalyn will be better, hanging by the pool, doing the kids stuff, and riding the lazy river.

We got our game day out fits on, I think they lost. Go DAWGS!

Sunset at the farm, Evalyn said, look how beautiful, of course she said that about a worm the other day too.

Oh this girl, her preschool thinks that she is the best kid ever and want to take her home. She is a sweetly but we are helping her develop her conscience right now. We are learning about telling the truth, that we need to try to do the right thing, being thoughtful and sweet in her speech, minding manners, and being brave. Heck, she reminds us to say our prayers. 

I have a picture somewhere when I was a phone at her age... gotta find that.

You can't say Golf Cart Ride at our house without the dogs going nuts. Evalyn likes to ride and help drive.

Really, is she 15 here? I hope she learns this look won't get her far.

Christy and Robbie came to Athens for the weekend and spent two nights. The guys went to the game and we took the kids to the splash pad and had a great time... then it was nap time....a better time.

I'm so lucky to live in such a beautiful place.

Learning to ride, finally got her to wear her to wear the helmet. To be fair, I bought me one too, a cheap white one which she plans to decorate for me with paint, stickers,

She is coming home with so many papers. We give them to family, to neighbors, and of course to friends and there are plenty hanging up at the house. But my goodness...tons of papers come in. I'm not a mail person...unless it's something I ordered online, hee. Luckily, Jonathan checks the mail, sorts, it, recycles, and mostly organizes. He's the closest thing to a secretary I have.

Here is Abby and Wallace. They like to sun sometimes and are both little moles when a blanket comes around. We call it BOB, when we have Boston's on Both sides. They have been all over me, I don't mind. Evalyn is learning to approach a dog that doesn't like surprises, but otherwise they both are very sweet to each other. Since we lost Chloe, Wallace and Abby have been laying, sharing, and playing together. At first she didn't know how to play but is learning. She's learning knew tricks and loves riding on the golf cart, we have to say GCR cause they KNOW, and running with Wallace through the fields and roads. She still seems to have a bad allergy despite the meds she is on not to mention the topical meds, as if we need anymore meds around here.

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This is what Evalyn called setting up her tea party... we had much more than tea.

Having fun at Brooks third birthday party.

She got this Happy Birthday headband from the party. She didn't take it off for a week. I kept thinking that I was going to put an UN on it. Alice in Wonderland is one of her favorite movies.

We were able to take a part in a special kids dance party to support Keep Athens Clean. We had so much fun watching the different dancers, Irish, Salsa, and amazing hula hoopers. If they had an adult contest, I was ready to use this new hip... and I did, I had so much fun dancing for the first time in forever. I didn't want to leave!! Evalyn had on her original Michael Jackson shirt from the 80's, it's a dress right now.

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Amma and the princess.

We went to visit Ms. Dover and Evalyn brought her a gift and showed her new dances.
This girl has moves and her first show is Dec 10th!  Mrs. Dover wrote a very nice thank you card and even mailed it. She is soooo sweet and always cheered me up with her cards when I was very sick.

This is my new wonderful 70's chandeler I found at Modern Vintage. I saw it and when I saved the money I bought it, oh yea and because I sold a painting. This goes PERFECT with my kitchen. Ester was said to see it go, but you got to be willing to sale right? It was the main light for the store. 

We went to visit my parents and watched the GA game. Evalyn had lots of fun on the visit, yummy wings, and she had lots of play time with her Paw Paw. She loves to go ourtide and play with him.

We had six dogs total that day! They did well playing together and figuring out who was in charge. Since the Sheriff isn't around anymore, Chloe, they are holding elections.

And what happens after most games.....

Paw Paw, Evalyn, and the Pups.

Evalyn is so excited about her new snow white costume. It's a little too long but Velcro and duck tape helped. She finally realized that she is not a real princess and can't grow up to be one. So now she will say, "I'm a pretend princess." and kinda gets sassy when others try to play with her about being a princess.

We had a great play date with Noah. They dressed up and we went on a nature walk. Silly faces.

The new puppy in the family, Jennifer and Matt's, her name is Sadie and she is a sweetie. Abby really liked her, I guess cause she has had so many puppy's.


The title of this blog, " Really, Really, Look,Think,than Look Again" is about looking for the good, the magical, the wonder of the world, the people around you, the strength and weaknesses in yourself. It's so easy to get so busy, stressed, going through the motions, turning our back on choosing joy instead of despair, thankfulness over being ungrateful, choosing to help other instead of looking the other way, giving instead of always wanting, looking at the world through the innocents of a child's view. "It's a beautiful day mommy" "It's raining but that's ok, it's makes the flower grow" " That earthworm is so beautiful". God watches the sparrow, I'm thinking he watches the worm, so he is definable watching over us. Remember we are trees in a huge forest, his plans and the ripples events make affect the plan of God's will. Only when we admit that we don't have all the answers, that we have weaknesses, only then can God work through us, through others, through nature, or music, or a worms the strength to endure and be victorious. If we were able to do it all by ourselves what would the point of having any reasons to pray, to knell when your love one is on their death bed, ask for help, take the help, or to hope. We do not have to believe on faith alone....Really Really Look, Think, than Look Again.

With Love and Thankfulness,
Heather

Watch your P's and Q's

                  If I only had a blue tooth in my brain that recorded my thoughts and would automatically show up on this blog. I go through stages where I just can’t pick up the computer to write, to surf on facebook, to google something, or even to shop, I know it’s hard to believe. Maybe it’s a good thing, meaning I’m busy and even though very much still in this battle, I’m living my life. Again, no news usually means good news, for the most part. Writing this blog used to be an obsession, something I had to do, well cause I couldn’t do anything else. Yet now I’m capable of doing so much more but lack the energy or time to do them. I’ve let some of this go… seeing small steps turn into an almost completed project such as reorganizing the laundry room or going through our closet. Big Woop, don’t get too excited. Medically, I’m a walking Miracle and I think that after my 2 friends passed after relapsing, I just shut down a little. So many good things have happened over the couple of months. You know how I’ve said it’s hard to write when the bad things happen because once it’s “out there” it makes it true. Really true, for all to read. I have also started feeling strange feelings about writing about the good things in my life. Almost like if I write about them I’m giving myself a false hope or saying “wow look at me”. Then everything will come crashing down again. I’m on my third year… this is the time of year when everything looks up. The city is buzzing with students, football season, new things for Evalyn to do, I’m driving, able to walk, not in and out of the hospital and then as the ball starts rolling again…. Wall, hospital, yada yada. I know I shouldn’t think like that and I do praise God for his many blessings but I can’t help but feel I’m walking on a tight rope here. I mean really we all our but it’s really seen and felt by someone who has been through hell and back and back for more. Like a boxer that just doesn't know when to stay down. I know, it sounds psychotic and I probably am.

               I like time piece films or shows. The clothes, hair, horses, dances, real dancing, lanterns and petticoats just makes me feel happy and think of the simple things we take for granted this day in age. The wonder of traveling by railroad, families staying together, modesty and manners, and where everyone loved to read and learned to play an instrument or do something with their hands that had nothing to do with technology. Now we are like “ oh they are growing beef for us to each in tubes, no big deal” One of the shows I watched in the middle of the night “Hell on Wheels”, one of the lead railroad workers said “watch your p’s and q’s mister” and the cowboy said, “ I’ll mind the whole alphabet.” Ha Ha now that’s funny I don’t care who you are. I have a lot of P’s in my life… Preschool, Preschooler, payments, pools of water causing roof leaks, Parties, Panties, mostly Princess Panties for my Potty training Preschooler, Poop, lots of Poop. Dog Poop, Poo Poo in the Potty, Prizes,Pee,Pullups, Prices, Praying, Praying more, Playing, Pretending, Patient, Patience, Parenting, Prednizone, Protecting, Procrastinating on going to new doctors they want me to see, Plenty of food, love, and support, People that are affected by cancer, Preparing for the worse case and the best case , Probiotics,  Piles of stuff, Pounding of rain and more rain, Pain, Puppies, lots of Pickles. Are you bored yet.

             Well just know that all the great things going on that I’m going to tell you about is by the grace of God and if that makes this demon cancer try to kill me again or something related, I hope I Pull though, again and again. I got the P’s covered. The Q’s… well those are a little harder. Quitting, I won’t quit. It’s a fight to do almost anything do to my energy level but just like my new immune system is fighting the old and causing problems, I expect me refusing to give up is fighting the powers at be and every one that stand behind me and beside me. Or maybe I’m just full of it.

          Oh, my new bed… it’s a wonderful feeling to be able to be that comfortable with all my aches and pains and surgeries. I don’t regret one minute taking out my retirement money that I may never live to enjoy, to be able to rest… even if I still can’t sleep due to the voices in my head and someone or some dog snoring.

                Walking…. The last time I went to Emory a few weeks ago, so many of the staff were praise God because I didn’t have medical equipment attached to me and I almost look like a normal person. I thought one lady was going to have a holy ghost moment right there. Well, she kinda did in her own way. They think I’m so strong, so uplifting to others, so amazing. “You lift my spirits” my oncologists says “you are doing great.” And I think “I’m a lab rat, there is no plan here according to you, cause you all don’t know what to do about me, you don’t know why I’m still here, or how you are going to keep me here, we can put a man on the moon in the 60’s but you can’t figure out this horrid skin issue or what to do about this heart clot that scares the hell out of me, I think what you mean doctor is I’m doing great…considering.” I don’t feel great, that’s for sure, better, yes, but great? God is Great and that is the only thing. Yea, I know glass half empty. I’m here because of God and there is no other explanation.                If it were up to me I would have been willing to die in a heartbeat, many times I wished it would just be over and if you felt the same way at some point about me, I don’t blame you. I’m passed that now. Now I take each day for what it is, even when I’m scraping my lazy butt out of bed to be a half ass mom to my extraordinary daughter. I am a good mother, just not in the ways I expected I would be. But I'm definitely a better person in general.

        During a very short period I was pushed into full time patient to full time parenting with the exception of some help from family and a couple friends, which I am lucky to have for sure. As to no fault of their own finding rides, caretakers, and sitters has been harder than ever. So much that it has been hard to follow up with my appointments but this past week I was sick and my cousin and in law jumped right in. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? I think I mostly want her to be around a lot of different people because I know that if something happened to me she could go on going to school, dance, and see her friends and loved adults that understand our values and being consistent is the reason she is such a sweet girl. At preschool, everyday (3 so far) a different teacher or after school worker has told me that she is so kind, friendly, pleasant, nicest preschooler they every met, and one lady said something like a kindred spirit or compassionate soul or what is that term. Ahhh short term memory. 

          We are booked to put our 13 year old lab down on Sat. Please pray for us and esp Evalyn. She loves Chloe. No one has been through more with me than this dog. I wouldn't say that she is at the very very end yet. But with the incontinence (and the effect it has on other dogs) and the anxiety that she experiences during storms or at the threat of rain, if affecting our quality of life as well as hers. I was up most the night with her to keep her calm. We watched a documentary on bird watchers in Central park. She's a pretty big dog so when she pees or poops in the house it's a lot. She's also pretty deaf and doesn't seem to see very well. I know she is in some pain with her hips and joints but sometimes her and Wallace will play like nothing is wrong. I always thought I would wait until she couldn't get up or stopped wagging her tail. There are already things she can't do anymore that she loved.. going to little river canyon and cliff diving and bouldering, catching anything in the air, and jumping up on my bed. She still loves to swim, but should everything be taken from her before she goes. My Granny always says we are more humane to animals than people. God give me strength to do this.

           I have been able to get out and do more things... and wish I would have taken more pictures. My sister, Jennifer had a nice night out before she moved back to ATL and my daughter Corynne and I had a fun day shopping for school stuff. My newer and great friend Leslie has been a lot of fun and she loves to have Evalyn around. I have started back to my cancer recovery yoga class and can tell a difference in how I feel when I can get myself there. Evalyn and I both are taking classes at Dance FX. Your can google them... they are a non-profit dance organization and was able to give us scholarships to come to class. She is taking preschool tap/ballet and I'm taking a strength and flexibility class to work on the areas I had surgeries on. We had a great birthday party for Evalyn and everyone had so much fun! That being said, we have had to miss some celebrations, parties, classes, church, etc at times when I have not felt good. But, hey.... you make plans, some you can keep some you can't but you still make plans. The biggest plan yet is that I'm  going to meet Jonathan in Las Vegas after his business trip for our 5th anniversary! I'm a little nervous, haven't traveled by plane in a while and I have to where a stupid mask. You wouldn't believe the man power and effort it is taking to get Evalyn taken care of and get me to the airport. It's crazy. 

My friend Leslie and I went to eat yummy chargrilled oysters. You can tell I'm having a hot flash cause my hair is all slicked back. Like many new friends this year, she has a child and we have had play dates and she watched Evalyn at her house and even took her to a play... a princess play at that.

Evalyn's first day of dance. I got her a child size umbrella for back to school/dance. She seems to really like it and dances all over the house.

First day of Pre K in Mrs. Sherrie's class. She goes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Each morning is a little battle from the time we get up to getting dressed, to eating, and getting out the door. "I'm too tired I don't want to go Mommy." Then there is usually a 5 min time when I have to say "ok, if you don't want to eat breakfast, get dress, or whatever it is, go sit in the living room, while mommy eats and gets ready." Then she comes back and says "Hey mommy, do you want to share breakfast." Sure. Then when I pick her us she says " Can I go there again"  I'm convinced that tots are bipolar.

Our three pups... Abby, Wallace, and Chloe. 

We had a bad bad storm a few weeks ago that was almost tornado like. It took out many trees including this huge pine that has been at the farm forever. I'm not a huge pine tree fan but this one hung down over the water and provide much needed shade. Can't tell you how many hooks and bobbers I lost fishing near this tree. This has to be one of the last pictures taken of it. It will be missed.

Birthday girl turned 3 in July and had a big Dora party.

We sang songs, colored, played dress up, won prizes, had pizza and some friends brought some wild animals to play with including turtles, birds, and a huge rabbit!

My brother Scott said an amazing sweet prayer in front of everyone which shows how much he has grown up. My sister Anna was able to bring him to the party. Here is me with my side kick Dora outfit.

Here are the explorers making a silly face. We had a map of the farm and piled into the back of the truck to head to the troll bridge, the butterfly garden, the dock, and the rocky road. Singing kids songs and finding treasures (pool toys).

And here is the whole explorer crew. Thanks for your help!!

My cuz Shanna and her daughter stayed for swimming along with a few other friends!

Daddy's first time in the pool for the summer!

Visit with "Amma" and a nice lunch.

Evalyn with our new pup (5 years old). Her name is Abby.

She's my little pinup girl.

On Evalyn's birthday and my sister's too!

Out to eat for birthday week!

New dress, hot wig, and yummy mussels. 

The closest thing to this years family pictures.