Dec 6th headaches and depression be gone!

                Thanks goodness today was a lot better. I called Emory and they decided for me to stop the oral chemo for now, at least give me a break, and I had a little headache but not a migraine.I was able to eat and drink well today since I was out of the bed.  I went to get labs done in Athens and my counts were good, well good for just having a bunch of poison in my body. My WBC is low but on it's way up again: I just have to be careful this week not to be around many people. I was just glad not to be in bed and be able to take care of myself and Evalyn. I didn't want to have to get a sitter to take of Evalyn while Jonathan was at school and me just laying in the bed! My back is still pretty sore from all the LP's, I'm not sure if my body just isn't healing as fast as it did before. God, please don't let my back be messed up!  I also have bumps on my bald head that are itching like crazy. Funny, they didn't itch until Jonathan let me know they were there. It's freaking cold. I'm cold all the way down to the bone marrow. I look like I'm camping inside my house. At one point I almost put on two of everything and nothing I have on matches. Real sexy Heather. I guess it is the chemo because I'm not usually this cold.
                 **Depression**  I wanted to talk a bit about depression.... you might be reading this and just started your treatment. People are so scared by that word and the words that go with it. Is it chronic, manic, dysthymic, post partdum, seasonal.... the list goes on. Here is a link if you feel like trying to diagnosis yourself , I'm kidding....types of depression. I don't think I'm any of these, I think I had a horrible weekend. Let me say, that I'm not against anti depressant medication, or any other medications, but I do think like antibiotics they are over used and not the "answer" for everyone. Sometimes people need, I mean NEED, their medication. I know people like this and I'm glad they have it. I also know people who are always the victim, self absorbed,need to grow up, and need to learn some coping skills or get a hobby. Now, that doesn't mean I will never take them, or have not for a brief period, it means that I'm going to do whatever it takes to figure out things and then try to make the best decision for me, just like you have to.
                By the end of the weekend, I realized I was depressed. Really depressed. It was the " I can't even think about smiling, can't hardly move, if I had enough energy I'd give up (like that's a choice), I have no joy, I'm a lump on a log, if I have to take one more pill, yada yada " kind of depression. I usually go about problems in life like a science experiment or math equation: there are certain variables that come together to make a product or the results. Sometimes, you are able to change only one variable at a time and then it's easy to figure out what changed. That's why I feel it is important to only make one medication change at a time, if possible. This is not a medication buffet and everything has side effects. I also think it is wise to not make too many life changing decisions at once, I've learned from those mistakes. Othertimes, you don't have any control over those variables and then you have the perfect storm and you just have to wait and see. I think that is what happened this weekend.
                For starters, after you are on steroids during chemo, your body crashes. My aunt Sharon warned me about feeling a little depressed after the steroids. Then, you are discharged from the hospital and your whole body crashes at home, where you feel like you should be able to get up and do things that you have been missing. In my case, I couldn't take care of myself, Jonathan, let alone Evalyn. It was easier not seeing her than seeing her and not being able to take care of her. The next variable was that I had been on pain medication for about 5 days straight due to the LP headaches, back pain, and migraines, your body gets used to the medication and when you stop, it is another let down. I was also on anti anxiety meds due to the side effects of the steroides.... another let down. I'm also on hormonal birth control which in the past, has always lead to some depression. It took me about 3 years of a first marriage to figure that one out.  Then, I was dealing with bad headaches and generally feeling horrible. Well, geez, who wouldn't feel depressed?

Don't be down mommy!

            It was important for me to think all that through, talk to Jonathan about it, and then decide that hopefully it wouldn't last forever and that there is a lot of shit going on and I'm not alone. This was my first time being discharge from the hospital to recover at home and I didn't really know what to expect. I thought I would be like I was Thanksgiving week, loving life, happy, and feeling good. Boy, was I disappointed. Luckily, I feel a lot better today and even managed to find some joy in life such as making sweet potatoes for Evalyn. In the future, at least if I know I'm going to feel like crap for a few days, I can prepare myself. My expectations will not be as high this next go around. Maybe I will be surprised instead of disappointed. Ah.... expectations... that's a book in itself.