Do you know that feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach? It can come about for many different reasons. I use to get it Sunday night before I would have to go to a job I didn’t like. Similar feelings can occur before a big test, having to “break up” with someone, or other uncomfortable situations. Well, hopefully being in some of those situations throughout the years has help to prepare me for what I fear is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. The amount of dread that I feel is so heavy I feel it like I have felt no other emotion. I can’t even imagine how much I’m going to miss my family but even worse what type of pain and weakness I’m going to experience. I will be pushed to the very brink of death and pulled back again. The thought that I really could have come this far and still not make it, scares me, but also makes me angry. I’m hoping for the best of course, but the truth is good people die every day. It doesn’t matter if you’re a mother, a good person, or whatever makes you feel invincible to death and disease. I do and always will know that God has a plan and whether I like it or not, it’s not my plan, and I’m not God. Many of you agree, God is good, no matter what happens, right? Could part of God’s plan really be me dying early? I think if that happens than it was God’s plan. Do I think me dying could straighten out a few people that God loves very dearly? You bet’cha. And do I think God could would do something like that to win someone heart and save them from hell? Yep. Well, let’s just hope it doesn’t come to thatJ. You people straighten up out there so I don’t have to die. Ha ha. Sorry my humor is getting darker by the minute.
I’m reading a book that my friend Mirka is letting me read called, Bend in the Road, by David Jeremiah. The author had cancer and actually has to go through a BMT. I haven’t gotten to that part yet. He quotes someone in the book and it says “ There is nothing, no circumstance, no trouble, no testing that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has come past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with great purpose.” That really spoke to me. Not that I didn’t already believe it, it’s just the way that it is worded I guess. I listen to my grandparents and my neighbors talk about the trials they have been through and it always amazed me that they made it through all that. Well, I suppose that this will be the story I tell to my grandchildren and if not, then maybe you will tell my story for me.
As these last few days at home are quickly slipping away, I have had plenty of time, while I’m not sleeping, to pray, beg, and generally stare at the wall. It’s terrible of me to wish for these precious days to be over so that I can get this over with. That’s part of the dread though. Not that I have not enjoyed moments during the day, all of them with other people, Evalyn, Jonathan, neighbors, family, and my puppy dogs. I caught five fish with Jim this week and Jonathan and I laughed so hard today with Evalyn that I cried. We have been treated to dinner by loving friends and family and my sweet girl Corynne was able to spend the night. I have not felt the best these last few days and must have a cold or my allergies are just kicking my butt. This had added to the insomnia, thus increase my praying time.
This brings me to this Easter season, where I joke about what we have given up for lent this year. Don’t get me started. I started thinking last night about how Jesus must have felt the days and nights leading up to his death. The only glimpse is when Jesus goes to the garden and says,” O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.” The Bible says that he prayed this over and over. This really shows that Jesus was truly human and it is also not wrong to ask the Lord to take away painful situations. That being said, we also have to accept that God’s way is better than ours. If Jesus chose to go through all that suffering for us, it seems that what I have to do might not be so hard. Not that I have the choice to go through it or not. As my good friend and neighbor says, she can’t tell people why terrible things happen, but she can tell them how to go through it. How? I’m still figuring that part out because the worst is yet to come. I know I have to seek the Lord and have faith, but also be free to have some really bad days and not be as strong as I would like to be. When we are weak than he is strong, correct? This will be that lesson for me and maybe some of you.
No comments:
Post a Comment