It's been a while since I wrote, mainly because I've been dealing with a lot of side effects and emotional dealing with everything going on. This was my prayer this week:
Lord, why don't you just take me now
instead of me going through so much suffering,
but not my will but your will be done (I thought that sounded holy)
Seriously, Lord, this is wack.
When I went to Emory last week, Dr. K decided to take me off the oral chemo to rule out Graft vs Host Disease (there is not test for this). If I have any GVHD I can't do the "booster shots", as I call them, with the left over stem cells. Since then, the rash on my face is gone, so I can conclude that it was the side effects of the oral chemo and not GVHD. The other rashes and symptoms are still here and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that means it most likely GVHD. I just feel like we are starting to run out of options. We may not be at the end yet, but I can see it and it's starting to freak me out a little. It's not that I' m afraid to die, I more afraid of the pain that my friends and family will endure. I'm already on drugs that are not fully approved by the FDA, what's next. I don't know. I was so happy to have my nurse back from maternity leave I forgot to ask what happens if I can't get the booster shots. Oh I'm sure there is something to try, but how far am I willing to push the envelope with all this? I don't know the answer to that either. Some people uproot and spend months at a different hospital, spend life savings, and still do not win. But they did help the world of cancer as a whole as lab rats. Sorry for my pessimistic attitude, I promise that I don't feel like this 24/7, but feel it is important to document that although I have hope and faith, I do not have certainty that I will beat this. I only hope is that it happens sooner than later, I don't want Evalyn to remember losing her mother. Yep, that is super sad to think about. Hey, this is real life, get out of the kitchen if you can't stand the heat.
The good news is that people continue to amaze me with their kindness and generosity. We had some friends come and clean out house, bring us food, baby sit, people drive me Emory, the list goes on.... I have never had so much faith in others and never thought anyone would do all this for us. It is amazing to see God working through others to show us love and kindness and also to see how some of these people have changed because of my cancer. I guess that is the kind of stuff that keeps us all going.
Love, Heather
I hope you get to feeling better soon sister. I know this is exhausting for you. I love you.
ReplyDeleteHeather, Keep up the hope and faith. My family and I always keep you in prayer and will be praying especially for these two things to trump all others in life. Big Hope. Big Faith. With love, Katie
ReplyDeleteYou don't need to apologize for being pessimistic or sad. You feel however you need to feel because nobody knows exactly what you are going through but you.
ReplyDeleteI hope there are soon some kind of answers or direction that bring you peace, and that you're feeling better soon. Always, always, sending our love and healing thoughts to you.
You are truely and inspiration to me. I'm sorry that you are suffering right now. I hope things will improve soon. Being in the medical field can be so frustating at times. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Susan