Nov. 19th Breathing and Miracles

Ok, people, I think that we need to get something straight. Now don't think I'm getting down on myself and I'm fishing for comments such as "you have such grace" and " you are so strong" or " your really holding up well."     Bullshit.  Before, you all put me up on some pedestal and sing my praises you need to understand this: It is a MIRACLE of GOD that I have not completely lost my mind in here. It's amazing in fact, I can't even believe it. I could snap at any moment... and I don't think anyone would blame me. Hmmm.... what if  I just start throwing things, screaming my head off, or run down the hall with only a wig on. Maybe the threat of medication, the fact that I'm younger than most here, that I can get out of bed, that I have hobbies, that God is having some mercy on me.... maybe all that has helped me hold it together..... so far.

         Right now, I'm setting in my bed. I have a little one bedroom apartment thing going on in this little world I have created. I have my guitar, my pictures, art supplies, books, music, computer, and most everything else I need to survive. I am able to leave the room, to get out of bed. This is not real life. This is something that I have created to try and keep from pulling my hair out... no need for that of course.
                 There are many things that could push me over the edge. I constantly here "Code room 609" or other annoucements in the hall. There are people, some very lonely people, that are dying right now, maybe right on the other side of this wall.  During chemo, the pump makes a constant clicking sounds.... over and over and over and over. Pages come over the intercom "Betty show your location, Betty show your location" because they don't have an accountability system to keep people from taking phones home. There are other noises.... a phone in the next room that is not answered because someone is so out of it they don't even realize that it is ringing, helicopters flying in and out, sirens, beeping machines, and constant talking in the hall. You know, I'm part dog....I'm very sensitive to noises.
                          Today, one of the nurses said that there is a man two rooms down that cannot get out of bed and has not had one visitor since he has been here. He watches T.V. all day. Have you seen what is on T.V. now days? The reality that there are people dying alone here rips my little "home away from home" into a million pieces. Could you imagine? No one. How has he not lost it? Maybe he has, maybe he is doped up. Heck, if I didn't have support and could do something, I would be signing up for all the dope they could dish out. Sure... I'll take some ______________.
                    I like to analyze behavior or thought patterns in others and in turn get into my own head and wonder why I think a certain way. Wednesday, I realized  I was doing something.... talking to myself. Not the out loud "Gosh Heather how did you lose your keys again." but more talking inside to myself about why I was feeling a certain way and that I was indeed not losing it yet. Between not feeling well and crashing because of the steroids, I couldn't focus, I felt as if I was crawling in my own skin. Let's face it..... sometimes the thought of what is going on slaps me in the face. It luckily only stings long enough to shock me but not knock me down. "I have been here for 19 days, I have to have a BMT to live, I can't see my daughter, my life has changed forever, I can't go back to work the way I want to, I can't garden, I can't go to a concert, I can't even floss, I have never been away from home this long, I have to be here 5 days out of every 21-28 days, get chemo 2x per week, take tons of medications, be a germ freak, have my husband change my dressing, have this thing (pic) sticking out the side of my chest, I will have no hair, I will not feel good sometimes, I will not be able to do some of the things I love or even have the energy to have my house as clean as I like it, food doesn't taste like it should, what caused this, and I HAVE CANCER. Is this real life?" I'm sure you get the point.
               So, I found myself coaching myself like this....... I told you I was a strange one.

                              " Heather just breath, your feeling this way at this second because your body is crashing as if you have been on meth for days. Have you eaten well? Are you hot/cold or thirsty? It's ok, It's going to be ok, It's going to be ok. Yes you can lay here and cry on your bed for an hour, but then what.... swollen eyes and stuffy nose? How are you all going to do this.... well we don't know that yet Heather. Take your shoes off and wash your face..... You have to trust in the Lord. That's right, the first time in your whole life that you have absolutely no control or choices. Your stuck. How can you possibly take care of your daughter, work, be a good wife, go through treatment, support Jonathan with school, without losing your mind? Glad you asked Heather, Glad you asked. You can't. You can't do it.... not by yourself. You need the Lord, your friends, and your family. You can't do it Heather. Breaaaaattthhhhhhh

              Then.... I have these HUGE thankful moments where what God is doing right now humbles me to the point that I can't even really complain much. In the last 19 days I have grown more as a person than I have in years. I have heard you all talk about changes in yourself. One friend said that they started praying again after not praying for years and years. I have seen people be obedient to the Lord through helping us, helping others, seeking the Lord, spreading the word about BE the Match, and be more grateful for the life that they have. I think that you all are loving each other more. I find myself being amazed that God has chosen ME to be apart of whatever this big picture is. I'm going to be apart of making the care for patients here a little bit better, what this hospital is learning about my treatment is going to be used to treat the next person with ALL, I'm going to be able to help increase the donor list for 1,000's of people that need matches to live. There are doors opening that I didn't even know were there. WOW. This is HUGE. God is in control... thank goodness.... because I can't do this.

These verses that Sean sent to me last week have really encouraged me. I hope that you are encouraged also.


 Philippians 1: 12-14: 19-20

12 Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. 13 As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. 14 And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear.

Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19 for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. 20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or death.