Daily Devotional 3/3- choose to believe

                I can pretty much talk or out talk myself out of anything now. I use to not be able to change my mind very much but know my more like a dandelion than that huge weed next to my mom's pool that I would take down if I could touch it. God told me a while back to get up early, there's a verse for that, before Evalyn and spend some time with the Lord. I seem to do well went I'm jacked up on steroids but when I come down.... not so good. I'm starting to come down... except on Sat when I get like a huge dose of extra ones and I turn into a TAZ. Decided that Sat was the best day to do it since we are busy and my husband can take my cards away. There I go again, getting off the subject. God must either laugh at my wandering mind or shake his head. So I've decided to start blogging about some of my devotionals and need you all to say " hey, I haven't seen a devotional in a while, what the heck are you doing not obeying God, when you expect your 19 month old to obey you." They may or may not touch you, nor do you have to read them. Hmmm.... should I put Daily, that's sounds like a lot. What about I'll shoot for Daily and not get too mad at myself when it doesn't happen.
                 I would like to talk about something personal on this devotional... ha ... like it hasn't been personal. As you know we have a little girl. The desire of my heart is for her not to be an only child. Not because there is anything wrong with only children (weirdos) but because I love my siblings so much, I can't imagine not having them. I can't imagine them not being there for events, for deaths, for Evalyn's birth. I'm the oldest of 5... get this.... I have 2 on my mom and step dad's side (I call him dad), and two from my father (call him dad too) and ex step mother, one of which is acually my adopted 1st cousin once removed. Some may say 2nd cousin, but I believe my friend Sean... ummm deer jerky. Jesus in heaven, help me focus.
                 Not that having kids is in the front of my mind... its in the back mostly but there have been a lot of things to bring it forward and something I'd like to start praying about. I have had a lot of people ask about if I want more kids, am I going to have more kids, etc.... not sure if that is just a normal question or because I have a prednizone belly and they are polity asking if I am in fear I may just be fat. Yea yea, I don't need a back pat. Then in small group we were studying Romans 4 and discussed that Abraham and Sarah were in there 90's plus when God's promise was fulfilled and she was completely barren. Then I was reminded that my sister, Anna, who just turned 20, was a 1 in a million shot. Check out the verse to the right of this page.... it really spoke to me. How can I believe that someone was raised from the dead, had children when barren, and God speaks to me in my dream, and just pass off that God would love me enough to allow me to have more children... how and whens up to him of course.
               Here is my current situation according the the docs. I'm fried... yep,  between total body radiation and the chemo my ovaries are in complete failure and I'm currently going through menepause, like I need that too. Because my body is not creating the hormones that need, I'm doing some hormone replacement therapy, partly because they don't want me to lose my mind at 31 with everything else going on, and partly to save my uterus in order to possibly carry a baby one day. The specialist in Atlanta says that he doesn't see any reason I could not carry a baby with a donated egg. The issue of me carrying another child would be my health and money, although he said there is funding for this type of thing for research and such. If and when I could come off the oral chemo that at this point they say I will be on the rest of my life, however, lab rats, human ones, have gotten off the oral chemo for 5 years and have not relapsed. Another option would be to have a surrogate mother carry a donated egg and then it be half Jonathan's. I had always wanted to do something like that for someone one day.I feel that it would be the most unselfish thing anyone could ever do. They of course want you to already have your own children. If we went that route, I would hope someone in my family would consider. I also have a heart for foster children that are "stuck" in the system. Don't get me started.
             Let's get back to what God wants, because, that is what is going to happen anyway, if I follow his lead and if I believe. See like Abraham, we get impatient with the desires of our heart and try to take care of them ourselfs. He went an had a child by one of his maids, to "help" God along. I almost got another dog, to be my new baby. Which I will get another boston, brown and white, and name her Penny, one day. But that's not what was best right now.
                I know what you are thinking, you can't take of the one you got right now... People, I'm talking years down the road. God doesn't need a timeline... he promised Abraham and Sarah like 20 years before it happened! He promised 1,000's of years that the Son of God would come, and he did. It's about trusting, about beleiveing, it about remembering that we have an all powerful God that is not limited by our realities, issues, past experience, or even what the experts say.
             In Romans 4, it says "Against all Hope.:
¹⁸ Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be.”^[d] 19 Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead. ²⁰ Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, ²¹being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. ²² This is why “it was credited to him as righteousness.” ²³ The words “it was credited to him” were written not for him alone, ²⁴ but also for us, to whom God will credit righteousness—for us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. ²⁵ He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.