Nov 7th Sleep... Yea right!

Middle of the night ramble.... don't read if you don't want to know.... this is real life.
      So those of you that know me understand that I have always had issues with sleep.... except when I was an infant, but that is another story. Maybe it stems from my type A- high strung personally that serves me well in the professional world, but then gets confused with my hippie type B that just wants to float around and do what I want when I want to. So long story... trying to be short... so maybe I can get some more sleep.... (Heather, don't think about sleep when you need to sleep, blah blah blah)   or maybe not.  Whatever. 
          Tonight I really tried to be proactive with getting to bed earlier because I didn't sleep the night before and my days starts around 3:45, hey I get another hour not to sleep tonight... awesome.  I'm on a TON of medications. I don't understand all the IV chemo's I've been on and maybe won't try because I don't have a choice on that. Outside my donut... my PCP folks. Then the next layer of meds are for the side effects of the chemo, stuff like the steroids that makes me nuts, constipation meds, and some other stuff. Those meds also have side effects.... so as you can see the meds can just keep going and going till something kills ya. Thank you Lord that I have been an SC for this long and understand the whole med cycle people get into. I have to concentrate my energy on the choices I do have to make about the meds I should take or not take. For example, I didn't take any pain meds yesterday, what was the point, I would have had to take more constipation meds. I was not in the bad of pain I guess. I do have some choices.  
             So back to sleep.... the story of sleep... not real sleep. So I took ambien some when I was pregnant to get some sleep the nights before I had to be on the road all day. I was diagnosed with cancer and so was my mom. So I took it like 1-2 nights a week and went on without sleep and just dealt with it, worked for me at the time, used the med for the purpose. After Evalyn was born I have barely used it at all. So I have taken it in the hospital for the past, I don't know, some days. But I still couldn't sleep. So tonight I took 2, no big deal, I didn't sleep the night before. My choices were anti anxiety pills, ambian, no hope of any sleep, etc , I have to take some type of anti anxiety with the steroids, or I will literally be trying to run this hospital, maybe even your life. 
          So..... back to the sleep. I had it all set up, turned computer off, just some light reading, doing what I do at home to get some sleep when I'm not jacked up on meds. Then I had to get my vitals done... get them done a zillion times a day. It was going to be tuck in and all good.  Down the list- bladder good, yep, bm, yep, feeling ok, yep, got your weird leg things you have to sleep with, yep, Bp, good, blood sugar, great, pain in check, yep, yada yada.....   Bam..... low heart rate.... so close.            Have to call the doc, get an EKG, etc etc. Freaked me out, I thought my heart rate felt high so apparently I don't know when it is or isn't. So before I got the rest of the results back to see what was going to happen... strapped to a heart monitor, more test, death ect. Those 2 ambian kicked in and I fell asleep sitting up, not finishing my bedtime routine, not knowing if my heart was going to keep beating. 
          Around the time change I was shocked out of bed with an amazing dream, I've always dreamed a lot, see this one in another blog, too cool for this one.   When I woke up I hurt so bad in my tummy, tried an ensure last night, big mistake,freaked out about the heart thing and still not knowing what happened, and with the amazing dream, I still have not been back to sleep......  Nurse: do you want something for you tummy? Me in my head: more meds more side effects Me: nope.   So I started the bedtime routine again, important for babies, my peeps, and for all of us. Thought I had it, but tummy still hurt, then sleep anxiety was in full force by then and I'm analyzing my dream from God, and all the hospital noises, just didn't work. So at a certain point I just have to give up.... maybe I'll get a nap later, maybe not.
            At least I'm prepared for my mini meeting with the doc in the morning.... on the list- keeping upper body strength, Evalyn is growing fast, medication side effects and where to go with them to reduce risk of addiction or more side effects, can I have a glass of wine for the love of God!!!!!!!, getting a port in instead of this pick ( too hard to explain, look it up if you want to know) 
          All in all, now my heart is ok, except still broken for my baby girl and everyone having to feel pain because of this. This will make all of us stronger.... just wait!
If I had to go through this tonight to have this prophetic dream, then so be it. Let it be  let it be     Let your will be done Lord.