Spiritual Waves

            

           I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and thinking about how to write about it. I just kept going into circles so I decided to just write and let my hair down.  My chin hair down that is, I shaved my head again. I got rid of the chin hair too. God, I’m obsessed with hair. It’s not my fault, it didn’t have to come back. I am enjoying mascara again, but this hair everywhere is doing nothing for my self esteem. 

                There are times in my life, and yours I’m sure, where you feel closer to God, or people, than others. Makes sense. But why does this happen? During my hospital stay during the transplant I felt so alone and did not hear from God in dreams, what I could read which was not much, and didn’t feel his presence. Still, I knew he was there, just being silent for some reason. When I left the hospital and recovered a little, all of a sudden I had an intense hunger for the Lord, for the word, for prayer, to FEEL the love and joy of God. Then 2-3 weeks later, I had that bad steroids crash and after that was not able to get back into my routine (getting up at 6,  devotion, exercise/writing, then getting Evalyn), so it through me off . Something through me off.  I’m still off. So after I was first off, I didn’t have the hunger as much and I felt that I was wrong. Did I do something wrong? Did I not seek the kingdom hard or long enough?

                Even though I couldn’t make it to my 6 am appointment, I still tried to get my devotion in at some point during the day but there are always distractions and heck, it may be nap time and I’m rereading the same thing over and over again. After the chemo and radiation it seems to be even harder to focus, although my brain has always moved at a faster pace than most. I always thought it helped me burn calories and why I WAS such a bean pole. Tangent: No I’m not getting fat people, well I am, but it’s the steroids. I weigh more than my husband, the same as when I was pregnant and more than my mom or sister. So give me a break if you think about saying “your filling out” or something stupid because I’m still on steroids and may snap. Hmmm… so back to prayer, meditation, and sweet things Jesus likes me to write about.

                So I’m mulling this over in my mind going back and forth between insane thoughts such as “ well if the spirit left maybe be need a break from our intimate relationship we were having” or “ I really must be doing some wrong and maybe should spend more time DOING something instead of sitting here.” If you only knew what went on in my brain. So I decided that, like love, seeking the Lords face is a choice. You have the infatuation love that you feel toward a lover and then you have feel love that develops over years of trails, success, and the choices we make. I don’t always feel like taking care of Evalyn and sometimes it’s not about my physical state. I’m I a bad mother for saying that, I don’t think so, just too many people are afraid to be honest.  I don’t FEEL like showing love to the idiot, obviously I have other issues to work on, in my way at the store that may need my help so they don’t have to hunt down a  phantom  employee. I don’t FEEL like always showing love to my husband and thinking about how I say something not just what I say. And sometimes I don’t, sorry sweetheart.

              Thinking and praying about all that made me realize that all this spiritual ups and downs are not about feelings. For me it’s about obedience. The devotion book that I just love…. Come away my Beloved, said in one passage “ Holiness is not a feeling-it is the end product of obedience. Purity is not a gift- it is the result of repentance and serious pursuit of God." God has called Jonathan and I to do a devotion together every day we possibly can, so we do. Do we always want to too? Nope. God called us to work through this last semester so Jonathan could graduate despite that to the world it looked like a crazy thing to attempt. It’s not about what the world thinks. I believe there will  quite a few more risks that our family will take and if we truly seek God, it will work out. Does that make it any less frighting. Hell no. Makes me want to have a glass of wine at the thought of what all this could possibly be preparing us for. God have mercy and grace.

                 Once I decided to pursue the Lord even when I don’t hear or feel him, there is the old problem with prayer vs meditation. As it says in the book, Eat Love Pray, prayer is easy. I can ramble all day on at least one side of my brain about this or that, or this person, or even my dogs, for safety, Evalyn,  for less pain, yada yada.  But to be still. Whew!  Most of the women in my family I like to think of as birds because we can be flighty and not focused. I don’t know much about birds but that is how I feel right now.    sec for ourselves to have a bathroom break since we have been holding and now may be wishing we had kept that extra pair of underwear in the car. I’ve decided that is actually a good idea. God usually has to send me a neon sign, or cancer, to get my attention. Geez, I’m so stubborn and rebellious it is ridicules. I have the urge to be flea dipped or something, maybe the monks will make my shower water holy water tomorrow.

                      Be still and know that I am God. Be still!!! As you know, I’m at the Monetary of the Holy Spirit for the weeked for a writing/journal workshop.  I decided to do my yoga in my room due to the heat the mosquitoes that have breeded with the ferrel cats around here and  have not responded to my usual genius effort to warn them off. The yoga feels good and I start of well, repeating part of a verse that I had read this morning about being a living sacrifice and renewing my mind. (Romans 12:1-2) Then I went to clear my head and just listen, even if there was nothing said. Unfortunately, I was still talking to myself.

What will I have for my snack later, my brain said.

Shut up.

 Man that baked chicken today at lunch was the bomb, I  should write down to remember to get the recipe.

 Do not move a muscle!

When we get home we should change out some of the frames in the living room.

Jesus! This is just how Elizabeth Gilbert (eat,love, pray) explained how she felt when she went to India and was trying to meditate.

     I know, I that it is completely stupid to be so hard on myself sometimes. But don’t you point a finger at me because I know I’m not alone. Only recently, because of my husband, there are times I can just watch a crappy show and BE with because he likes it. I’m still working on the sports. Why do we always feel we have do more, More, MORE? That we are not enough and just because we have not reached the place where God had has molded us into his perfect will, when we are trying our best. It’s the journey right? Journey on my friends and family. Let’s seek out ,  obey the Lord and trust him to do his great work in and through us.