This may step on some toes, so if you are sensitive to your weight well don't read this or read and forgive me for ruffling your feathers. I'm only stating the obvious truth the way I see and feel it.
Check out this link from the movie Zoolander http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4e-sVYnZoI
I have been thin my entire life, except when I was pregnant of course, and you can't call someone fat if they are pregnant, even if they are fat and pregnant. Actually, I have been quite on the skinny side and it was a source of ridicule and hurt feelings for a good part of my school years. Beanpole, Olive Oil, were used to describe my bird legs. Why did anyone think that skinny jokes are not a hurtful as fat jokes. Jokes such as " having to move around in the shower to get wet." ha ha Later on, I filled out a little and for the first time I felt pretty attractive. I did some modeling and seemed to be turning heads. It felt good and I used it to my advantage in most situations. My aunt would tell me I had Betty Davis eyes but what I remember her saying, " It's harder for attractive girls to get older than less attractive girls." She being an extremely beautiful women in her day, well she should know. Not that she isn't beautiful in her own way now, she just wouldn't make it on the cover of Vanity Fair at this point. I had always looked forward to going to my 10 year reunion and being thin and beautiful while I knew some of the people that were mean to me were very overweight now.... I didn't go.... it didn't matter to me anymore.
So I'm not sure if I would ever consider myself "vain" about my looks, but felt confident that I was more good looking than most people and usually feel a quite bit more intellect then most the population. Of course the chemo brain has caused a whole other issue with my IQ. Maybe I needed to be humbled a little. Yea, so I'm having issues with being overweight, not being able to wear my clothes, and not having any money to do anything like spa treatments (like that would do anything), and even exercise or eating healthy doesn't matter. I do appreciate all of you being supportive and trying to encourage me but tread lightly. It doesn't really matter that I can't help it at this point... no one knows that when they meet more for the first time, or when I'm in the check out line. Does it matter if it's your thyroid, you overeat, on steroids, or whatever the case maybe. If your fat your fat that's what the world sees. I know... we are not of this world, and we shouldn't care what others think, and yada yada, tell that to my victoria secret jeans and my favorite pink heels. Sorry, I'm fat for me and don't like it. If you don't know what to say, just don't say anything. I had a few favorites this last week.
At the jewelry fashion show, I realized that I didn't necessarily "look" like a cancer patient anymore, but just a larger girl with a moon face and very short hair. I had someone say " Not everyone can pull off that haircut, I couldn't and you have a pretty face." Now, I should have taken that compliment and thought, yea, I do have pretty face, but kept thinking about how when people are fat, people will say things like "but she has a pretty face" or" she is a really sweet person." Now, not always, but sometimes.
So I shaved my hair into a mohawk and dyed it purple. No, I have not shown my grandmother yet. Yes, I will post a picture when I get one. Did I do it for attention, as some have suggested? Maybe, I have no idea whats going on in this head of mine. I feel that I did it because I can do whatever the heck I want with my hair. When else would I be able to shave it like this.... next up... shave it again, let it grow some and get some braids weaved in... yea.... It will be like I went to Jamaica Man, and was "right near the beach" (quote from Halfbaked). Then I may let it grow out and see what it looks like natural. I also feel like it's a form of control, I don't have much control over my life but I can control the color of my hair, kinda like, in the hospital room when I unplugged the hospital phone first thing, some control= some sanity in my world.
Maybe I won't be so quick to judge when I see someone with a gross piecing that I think is hideous, or hair that is 4 different colors, or clothed in all black. We don't really know what people are going through and why something makes them feel more in control, but hey if they aren't shooting anyone or something else illegal, we should consider ourselves lucky. It's a rough world out there, shave your head if you have too, just don't expect me not to stare. We can have a stare contest. I will win, I can sleep with my eyes open.
Peace, Love, and Mohawks
Heather
WELCOME
Hello,
Welcome to my Blog! Yes, I have been in the fight of my life against Leukemia, insomnia, depression, side effects of medications, molting skin, pooping my pants and this list goes on.... however, I still love my life, and that's what this blog is about Real Life. I hope to meet others who trails have brought them closer to the Lord and molded them for the next step in God's will. In January 2011 , my family, physician, and Be the Match was featured on a Fox 5 news story about bone marrow donors and transplants. In March, I was interviewed on Atlanta and Company along with Be the Match. I was chosen to sing the national anthem at the Be the Match Run last year and will also be doing it this year, along with some other songs. My team, no thanks to me, raised over $4,000 and raised more than any other team! Please join my team this year or consider donating here at the Run those Stem cells out ! Team I was also chosen for a patient advocacy panel for the international council meeting at Be the Match in MN in November. How exciting!! I ended up not being able to attend due to the relapse. I had hoped I could help raise awareness about how easy it is to sign up to be a donor and how many people need your help! Please go to bethematch.org and sign up! I was able to have my bone marrow (same as stem cell) transplant at the end of March thanks to a 22 year old donor oversees that I hope to meet her one day. As I came up on my 6th month mark and continued to add more normal activities to our lives, I relapsed, meaning that the that the cancer had mutated and the leukemia came back. I spent 2 more weeks at Emory and some other nights here and there and now I'm on a drug from the FDA. I have a compassion waiver so I am able to get it. I have to take it day by day sometimes hour by hour. Time keeps moving and my little girl is growing up. I'm lucky that I'm getting to see it. I continue to praise God for his wonderful blessings he has shown us including my wonderful husband Jonathan, baby girl Evalyn Rose, supportive family and friend, great medical care, new readers, and the chance to make a big difference, even if that means being a Lab Rat.
God Bless You!
Please read, comment, enjoy, learn, grow, LOVE LIFE.
Most Recently I have started a booth at a local consignment store with handmade jewelry from friends, crafts, and my own art from recycled materials. It is called DAY by DAY. God was very clear with me starting this. Please look over to the right of blog and click on Day by Day to see some pictures. I'm just getting started but I am taking orders from people that I know. You will be able to personalize items, etc. I just haven't decided how I will be selling them via internet yet. But for now, the jewelry is at A Weekend A'fair in Athens, GA and will hopefully be at some stores downtown soon.
Well as you know, of course, I have been overweight my entire life and the subject of a lot of ridicule, jokes, got told I had a "pretty face" or "pretty eyes" or whatever. After losing most of my weight I have seen people treat me differently than they did when I was obese. It makes me so sad, like I was less of a person before. People are overweight for a wide variety of reasons but the stereotype is that you are lazy and can't stop eating junk. Obviously that is not always the case and it is usually way more complicated than that! It's very hurtful to be judged solely on your appearance whether it's fat or thin, tall or short, pierced, mohawked, et cetera.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what you're going through dealing with a different body, face, hair and I won't pretend to. I just want you to know that I hear you. I'd like to see that purple mohawk. I think you should do whatever you want with your hair and there doesn't need to be a reason why.
You know I've been thinking about this blog since I first read it last night and wanted to share a story. I've lost my hair 4 times due to stupid cancer (that's putting it lady like, I have a few other choice words for cancer but I will remain lady like) and I've worn the mask, wigs, scarves, hats in public and have experienced "the stares" as well. But you know what ticked me often more was when I was 14 (such a wonderful age anyway) and was dressed all in hot pink, idiotic people would say "oh I thought you were a boy until you spoke." People can be so ignorant, that they don't even realize that the nicest thing they could possible do for us is shut their mouth and close their eyes:-) I loved the little looks from kids though, they were so innocent and you could just see the wonder and curiosity in their eyes! Love you chic with the mo-hawk and my sister survivor!!! Share your head as many ways as you want and paint it every color in the rainbow!!
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