I don’t have much to say tonight but feel I need to update you all on some things to let you know I’m still kicking. Sorry for all the unreturned phone calls, I’m out of words right now. I’ll tell you my theory on that one day. I’m working through some tough stuff right now and not ready to share that yet. Plus, I had some new chemo today and did well with it but my brain is fried. I woke up one night, not remember where I was and did my normal call to Wallace, my snuggle buddy, “Waaaallllllace, Waaalllace”, then I opened my eyes and relized where I was , well shit.
I can’t tell you the curse words that have ran through my head or out of my mouth in the last couple days. Or the ripping of my heart when Evalyn was so depressed that I was not home after seeing me that she threw up, Wallace did the same thing last year at this time when I was first admitted. Evalyn missed some meals, and if you know this girl, she likes to eat!! The sadness I feel when I think that I was just beginning to rejoin society through volunteering with music, dance, yoga, trips, Nashville this weekend, weddings, concerts, 6 months away from gardening, going to the council meeting in MN, advocating more for Be the Match, enjoying watching Evalyn play with more children, etc, etc, it’s a big hit to take right now. Getting a Picc line again, starting over on medication that I was almost off of and not knowing the “plan” past the 28th of this month is nuts. The possibility of another stem cell transplant, ahhhhh. Hmmm, grief, depression, denial, anger, acceptance…?????..... Haven’t I already been through these steps? Here goes round 3 (counting the first diagnosis when I was preggo).
I can’t tell you the curse words that have ran through my head or out of my mouth in the last couple days. Or the ripping of my heart when Evalyn was so depressed that I was not home after seeing me that she threw up, Wallace did the same thing last year at this time when I was first admitted. Evalyn missed some meals, and if you know this girl, she likes to eat!! The sadness I feel when I think that I was just beginning to rejoin society through volunteering with music, dance, yoga, trips, Nashville this weekend, weddings, concerts, 6 months away from gardening, going to the council meeting in MN, advocating more for Be the Match, enjoying watching Evalyn play with more children, etc, etc, it’s a big hit to take right now. Getting a Picc line again, starting over on medication that I was almost off of and not knowing the “plan” past the 28th of this month is nuts. The possibility of another stem cell transplant, ahhhhh. Hmmm, grief, depression, denial, anger, acceptance…?????..... Haven’t I already been through these steps? Here goes round 3 (counting the first diagnosis when I was preggo).
I’m still reminded of the kindness of people through finances, food, gifts, baby sitting, food, prayers, letters, words of encouragement on my page, scriptures that people have sent to me, the compassion of the nurses here, the people at Jonathan’s work supporting him with things that Evalyn needed and some gummy bears for him J, great visits from family and friends, and the list goes on and on. My cuz Andy spent most of the day with me, brought me lunch from Whole Foods (which I still won’t step into due to knowing I will walk out in debt). We had a relaxing time. He is truly one of the few people I can spend all day with… I have not really made a list so don’t ask me if you are on it, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m still a lucky girl, just an unhappy one right now… gotta get my head on straight. My farm friends…. I hope you are taking care of each other. I will be a doctor this year at the Halloween party since I have to wear my mask again. Jim, stay off the roof, for goodness sake, but catch me some fish!
I am so lucky to have such a wonderful brother. Andy is just easy to be around and he is so generous. :) I agree about Whole Foods, people call it Whole Paycheck for a reason. I have actually only been in there a few times and I don't want to tell you how much I spent the first time. I didn't even buy much. Good thing there isn't one near me!
ReplyDeleteLove you cuz!
You are doing well Heather, keeping it real.
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